'K, so my LJ cuts are still not working, but here is my latest ficclet!
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Gundman Wing, or its characters. I just love playing with them.
My Best Kept Secret
Pairings: 1x2 mention of 3x4 and 5xS
Warnings: Swearing, violence, mentions NCS, lemony goodness
Betaed by ShenLong Deb *huggles*
You know, when the wars were officially ended, I figured that adjusting to peace was going to be a pretty damned easy transition. And who wouldn't?
The things that I had seen and done were more than what most people would experience in a lifetime. Between the fighting, near misses, constant missions, endless transfers from place-to-place and so on, peace was assumed to be like a walk in the park. And I know that my fellow ex-Gundam pilots had all thought the same.
But the fact was that it only took a couple of weeks for the relief and excitement at being at peace to quickly wear into panic and frustration. For the first time since the doctors had taken us under their wing to prepare for the wars, we had no sure place in the world. Suddenly, we were thinking for ourselves and left to our own devices to find out where we fit in this strange, new existence.
Wufei was the first to establish a new role for himself as a Preventer. To nobody's real surprise, he and Sally finally made a big leap in their relationship when they finally decided to stop tap dancing around their feelings for each other.
Most people expected his move into the organization would have been a smooth one. Not at all- thanks to his involvement early on in the Mariemaia situation. A lot of agents made Fei's transition pretty fucking hard at best and nearly impossible to deal with at worst. He was just on the brink of leaving Preventer when all of the shit finally tapered off after a few months.
Quatre had his family's business. He struggled at first to find his footing as the new head of Winner Enterprises, but he eventually got there. Now, he globe and colony-trots regularly. Even with all of his success, he still calls me and the others on a regular basis for the sake of our friendship as much as just having some familiarity to the life he once knew.
There had been several occasions where I’d had to console my sobbing little buddy over the vid-phone. The pressures of filling his father's shoes and keeping so many clients and sponsors happy nearly broke poor Quat. Something about that puppy-eyed kid getting emotional like that always makes my stomach churn. Now, nearly a year later, he's a shrewd and confident entrepreneur and business is picking back up.
Probably the best to move on with his life after the war was Trowa. Working the circus tour with Catherine was something that he was already quite familiar with long before the wars came to an end. His return to the big top was smooth and welcoming. But, that did not mean that he did not have his own struggles to deal with.
From time to time he would 'black out' in the middle of a high-wire routine, or while handling some of the more dangerous animals in his care. The adrenaline rush that came with these acts pulled Tro back into flashes from his view of a thick fight while piloting Heavyarms and he would forget where he actually was for a moment. During a couple of those episodes, he'd come pretty damn close to getting himself killed while performing.
Luckily for Trowa and Quatre, they ended their mulling over the notion of a relationship together and just start dating. Personally, I thought it was way overdue for them to come to that conclusion. Once they were officially 'together,' other aspects of their personal lives slowly but surely were beginning to sort themselves out.
Then there was my 'ol partner in crime- Heero Yuy. Now he had a time finding his place. First, he tried working security for Relena, only to find that he wanted to move on from his connection to her all together. Next, he tried working with computers in every aspect. After a short while, the whole thing became too mundane for him and he shifted gears once more.
He took a long break from any line of work to simply travel for a while... see the world and the colonies. And once he had his fill of that, 'Ro finally decided to try the Preventers. In that, he finally found the right fit. The once-in-a-while-missions gave enough of an adrenaline kick while giving him the chance to put his talents to use and he was able to work with data hacking when he was stationed at headquarters. It was the perfect balance.
So that left me. I went into salvage with Hilde to help her business get off the ground. It did not take long for the itch for something more to kick in. Always on edge and looking over my shoulder, I needed something to preoccupy that need for action and I knew that Preventer was really the only way to go.
As soon as I found out that Heero had signed on as an agent, well, that sealed the deal for me. My butt was on the next shuttle out for Earth with Hilde's best wishes. Hard as it was to leave my 'sister' behind, it was something that I had to do and she could not have been more understanding.
Much to my surprise, there actually seemed to be a look of relief on Heero's face when we ran into each other when I stepped into headquarters for my first meeting with Commander Une. That look was quickly replaced by his stoic mask, but he did offer a firm handshake in greeting and did not pull away when I tugged him into a one-armed hug instead.
His large, single office became a double with the addition of my own station across from him. We were soon named partners on and off field missions. Of any of my transitions into peace time, falling back into a tight camaraderie with Heero was the easiest. I think he was actually pleased to have me at his side again, too. Of course, he would never come out and say as much, but I could tell that he was.
Missions came in before long. Nothing was too great to handle out in the field. However, I came to develop a very serious problem whenever I came home from an assignment. While the need for action was sated, something new was stirred in the aftermath.
I'm not just talking just any nightmare here. The nightmares I am talking about were enough to have me jolting up in a cold sweat, panting, on the verge of sobbing and on the phone instantly to call around and make sure that everyone I was close to was all right. I can't even go into the things that I see in those dreams without going into a panic at having to recall them. Just take my word that they're... bad.
One night, I was having trouble reaching Quatre-unaware that he was away on business-and woke three of his sisters from a peaceful sleep in my desperation to get hold of him at three in the morning.
Needless to say all of those sisters have since changed their numbers and refused to have them shared with me.
In fact, the only person who did not give me grief when I called him in the middle of the night was Heero. Every time I needed to talk, he would actually be patient enough to stay up and listen. He even offered reassurances when he felt comfortable enough to do so. It was as if the person on the other line was a completely different person than the guy I worked with on a daily basis.
Weeks went on without any discussion of those calls. I would just show up at work, expecting to be verbally harassed by my partner when I reached our office, only to have him greet me as he always would. Business as usual like nothing happened.
Finally, I brought up the whole thing up over lunch. When asked why he was so understanding with getting those late calls, he looked around the nearly empty restaurant wearily. Smirking, I reassured him that I could keep a secret. ‘Ro hesitated for another moment, then finally relented and leaned over the table towards me to answer me quietly and simply.
That secret is the very reason why I am now driving to Yuy’s house with a duffle bag in the passenger seat. By now, he has been debriefed and sent home for a couple of weeks off after a long, deep cover mission.
Normally we’re sent together on missions, but there were risks involved if more than one went into this particular case. Deep cover missions are never a cake walk. Taking on a new identity, constantly looking over your shoulder and no contact with anything familiar and safe for weeks can leave anyone… edgy.
For Heero, it is these missions especially that become rough on him. You see, his reason for being so understanding with my nightmares is because he has them, too. All of the training and preparing in the world to make up the perfect weapon in a human being could not change the fact that he is still a human being.
I was both shocked and disappointed when he confessed his own dream to me that afternoon. Shocked for the obvious reason that I could not believed he was admitting such a thing. Disappointed because of the fact that during so many of our wee-hour talks, he never told me about his own trouble sleeping from time to time. I mean… I’m his partner, his best friend. There’s no one else out there that he can trust more than me.
As soon as I learned about those nightmares plaguing Heero, I made a pact with him that might help both of us get some rest. Hesitant at first, it took some time before he came around to the idea and agreed to give the idea a shot.
Pulling into his driveway and parking, I take up the duffle bag filled with my sleep gear, change of clothes for the next few days, toothbrush and hair items. Casually throwing it over my shoulder, I head up the tall stairway for the front door.
Just like every other time in the last few months, it opens before I even reach the top step.
Those cobalt eyes marred by dark circles under them latch onto my gaze and a sluggish nod is offered in a ‘hello.’ Stepping aside, Heero lets me slide past him and into his home. On the way past I make a thorough look over him to be certain there are not any glaringly obvious injuries.
Lucky bastard got out unscathed once more. There’s not so much as a scratch to be found on him. I swear that man has more lives than a fucking cat sometimes.
Heero takes my bag and we head for the kitchen where I get to work at making us dinner. We fall into conversation over our meal, discussing everything but his mission unless he volunteers information on it.
Judging by the many telltale signs, it’s a given that the last few nights had been especially rough on him. Usually it’s pretty damned hard to see when he’s fatigued. It’s all I can do to keep myself from mother henning him.
The dishes are rinsed and secured away in the washer before we shuffle upstairs, my bag hanging from my shoulder once again. I change in the bathroom and emerge into the adjoined bedroom where my partner is already in his own tank top and boxers, lying in bed watching me.
On my way to the mattress, I turn out the bedroom light and slide under the covers to curl up beside Heero. My head isn’t even on the pillow before his arm wraps around my waist and clings on tightly. Whispering reassurances, I run my hand through his messy hair and ease his head down on my shoulder. It’s not long before he drifts off to sleep.
This is my best kept secret- these trips to Heero’s bed to fend off the nightmares. And he does the same for me when I’m the one who has been off. If we’ve been on a mission together, we flip a coin to who’s home we stay at during our time off. Somehow, our being around each other like this has worked in keeping the demons away. I never sleep better than when we’re tangled around each other.
Sometimes one secret can spin off into another. Much like my even better best kept secret.
For five months now, this bed sharing has been going on. For four months now, I’ve finally been made aware that my feelings are exceeding anything that would be considered normal that a friend would have towards someone.
Much as it kills me to hold him and have him hold me at night knowing that it is only for a convenient fix to our nightmares, I deal for Heero’s sake.
There’s really nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for him in this life… even coping with a broken heart on a regular basis whenever we’re this close.
Lost in my own thoughts, I’m not even aware of the fact that I’d drifted off until I wake. The sun is already up and filling the room by the time my eyes blink open.
Gazing down, I find that Heero is already awake. Still curled up to me, he’s staring off at nothing as he says quietly, “I can’t do this anymore.”
Those words are like a punch to the gut as the air rushes out of my lungs. I can feel my mouth opening and closing without any words coming out. Unable to say anything, I try to at least untangle myself but the arms around me tighten and keep me in place.
Slowly, my partner raised his head so that our eyes meet. There’s something in that blue gaze that I’ve never seen before. “I have another secret I need to share,” Heero whispers. Now it’s his turn to attempt speaking without a voice.
Frustrated after a few tries, he quickly leans up and in to kiss me fully. Taken way the hell off guard, I try to gasp, only to hear a small moan escape me. When he pulls away, he searches my face and wide eyes. A small smile curls his lips when he seems to find what he was looking for.
“That was your secret, too,” he says quietly.
I can’t help the nervous laugh that pops through. “Guess we’re no better than Fei and Sally or Tro and Quat with the tap dancing, huh?” I chuckle deeply. Heero just smirks and leans in to kiss me a little deeper and longer this time
As I thoroughly enjoy the exchange, I silently look forward to sharing some of my other secrets with him and discovering more of his own.